omens

theres a black dog starring at me from outside a rainy window

..... for the second time this week.

if it happens again i'm sure to wind up in hell.

sollicitudo est Monasteriense sub nostrum beds

wake up on the floor.
limbs tucked in,
wrapped around my body for warmth,
protection from a chill that isn't there.
people are shuffling by.
stand up.
stretch out the kinks of a body numb from sleep.
look closer at the mass.
they're happy,
sad,
content.
they're normal.
its like a stream of fish.
they're living life,
shooting the breeze,
carrying on.
the instinct is to join in.
catch up.
take a step.
take another.
the impact is teeth rattling.
forward motion violently halted.
look for the reason.
theres nothing there but a sea of normalcy.
take another step.
this one slow and exploratory.
theres is something there.
pupils dilate and iron appears.
its a bar,
connected to a cage,
my cage.
look around.
i need help.
turn to the people.
they're not like me.
i cant call out,
scream.
they'll know.
they'll know you're not one of them.
they'll know you're not normal.
play it safe act natural.
take stock.
theres a cage.
there are people.
i catch glimpses of another cage in small breaks in between the endless parade.
i stifle a shout.
the normal ones cant know.
carrier pigeon,
message in a bottle,
save our ship.
i must know the sins we have committed to be quarantined like this.
composure.
i must control my breathing.
get rid of the erratic heart beat,
the hollowness in the pit of your stomach,
the feeling that your chest is on the brink of explosion.
i see another cage.
i search more and find another.
there are many.
im not alone,
but i am.
its not working,
my heart beat has reached a crescendo.
they can hear it,
taste it,
smell it,
they can see it on my face.
"help me to be like you"
i shout in my head.
i turn around.
i see another cage.
this ones closer.
its a girl.
she's staring at me.
there is fear in her eyes.
her features tremble.
i silently will her to still her beating heart.
these bastards will have her for breakfast if she doesn't control the chemicals in her brain.
the chemicals that separate us from them.
the chemicals that are causing our own bodies to rebel against us.
i cant take it anymore.
neither can she.
i try to shake the bars.
the fear is diluting from her eyes.
the bars don't budge.
i shake harder.
still no play.
i shake longer.
i scream.
i curse.
a boy stops.
he turns
gives me a curios look from a tilted head.
i stop the commotion.
the mother comes back,
gently grabs the boy by the shoulder and gently reinserts him back into the stream.
it hits me then.
we are the unseen.
we are the lost sheep.
we are the ghosts.

"you're good to no one this way"

but its all i know.

it can only be seen in the setting sun. hidden but to those who look.

stop



breathe



you're letting your mind run away from you.

the chemicals are amassing in your brain and your body doesn't know how to  compensate.


your heart beats erratically


breathing becomes labored


the key is rationality

but I'm fresh out

one organ fights the other and we all know who wins.

the one that feels the most pain.


some of us are slaves to it.



i only hope you're a slave to it.

a drunk tank is just a think tank with more b.o.

the sun peeks through the trees like harsh fluorescent light through stainless steel bars.
its morning.
there is a voice in the air.
 it belongs to a blind hyrax with no mouth.
his voice is the wind.
i dont know how he accomplishes it but he is telling me of mans latest invention.
he tells me of a man from Nantucket flying a childs toy with the key to his liquor cabinet attached and with this contraption he harnesses the power from the heavens...

(The tree hyrax is a small nocturnal mammal that is distantly related to elephants and sea cows. They have 4-toed front feet and 3-toed back feet with rounded nails, and rubbery soles that help them climb)

(im still trying to find the chapter on their infatuation with human flesh)





.........sounds like bullshit to me.

time of death...... 12:04 pm

today i realized i'm not going to live forever,
the illusion is gone.
muscle deteriorates and atrophies with time.
chemicals finally start eating away at the fortifications you knew as a child.
i feel like i should say some words to ease its passing but it would fall on deaf ears
for all those i choose to surround myself with are also blindly subscribing to the same ideals i just now saw through.
they are still immortal.
its bitter sweet because i'm tired
but the thought of the comfy chair,
the warm blanket
and my stories sound so dull.
i had a good run
and i showed them who's boss on more than one occasion
but i don't know if i've got it in me anymore.
a long winter is coming
i hope the provisions i've stocked and buried in the ground will last till the bitter end.

or until the next relapse into a long forgotten era.

chop chop chop. tree gonna fall down.

i feel it coming on, slowing seeping in as the shadows grow longer in the day, seclusion. its a different kind of seclusion though, one that modern science cant achieve. i want to run to a different time, where things were simpler. where i'm not stunted by the heavy dependencies and limitations of today's day and age. where expectations aren't so high and you can appreciate all the beauty and simplicity that we take for granted in these great steel and concrete cages we've built around ourselves. i want to live like i earned the roof over my head and the clothes on my back, i want the satisfaction of knowing the material things that i treasure in my life we're produced through my own blood and sweat and if these things fail then i will learn from my mistakes and will know better next time. i want to provide for myself, but only the things needed for survival. comfort is a plague of this world, we've grown so accustomed to it not even thinking if we deserve these things that stunt our growth as a species. we want what we don't have but not what we need. all i want is to live an honest life and at the end of the day feel blessed that i have a sunset on the horizon and nowhere else to be. true freedom with no worries.